Thou Shall Not Steal

So, how is that going down in our household? It’s not, in the life of my 5 nearly 6-year-old boy! Not only did we have some more underhand eating of stolen goods this morning, I discovered he’d nicked a pick and mix chocolate mini egg and a small soft toy this afternoon in the supermarket. I really do despair; the message really isn’t getting through and I’m a bit poleaxed by this enduring kleptomania. 

Fortuitously, I discovered the crime before we left the supermarket so was able to march him straight to customer services…I couldn’t find the security guard…. Explaining that my son had tried to nick this soft toy, and could someone please explain why this was completely wrong and unacceptable behaviour. Yes, it was extremely embarrassing, I actually had to swallow down some unanticipated tears, but what else could I do? I’m clearly not enough to get this salient point through.

Once he’d emptied his pockets, apologised and we were safely ensconced in the car, I proceeded to clarify the consequences of stealing something that you hadn’t paid for; someone, somewhere always pays the price for this kind of selfish behaviour. When I got to the point that nothing in the supermarket came for free, my daughter unhelpfully pointed out that the fruit did; nothing quite like a smart arse to undermine your authority!

I’ve also told him that we were being recorded, and this particular chain of supermarket will be sharing his image across the Country, so everyone will know what he’s done and watch him when he’s out shopping. Perhaps, a little harsh but what else should I do? I’ve only got these few early years to get these crucial, fundamental concepts programmed into his brain. In the next year, I will lose my influence to his peers, from then on in I will have negligible impact on his thoughts and behaviours; I am at high risk of no longer being a trusted source of information, losing my credit. And, if he hasn’t learnt right from wrong by the time he’s a teenager, we will all suffer the consequences.

I absolutely hate this side of parenting, I love my children beyond anything and everything, I don’t want to spend my precious time with them being the bad guy. But it is because of this deep love, and recognition that, for now, they are my responsibility, I have to. I have to impress that we live in a society, we’re connected to one another, a lot more intrinsically than we’ve been led to believe and actions have consequences. In order for our society to succeed and achieve harmony, we need rules and boundaries. It’s not wise or constructive to believe you’re above the laws of life, really just ignorant and destructive. And I want my children to understand those laws and rules so they can lead the best lives they can.

Anyway, this is the darker side of mother love, when I started this I always promised to be honest and share the less than perfect life I lead.

Raisin Kids….Mission Abort!

Sorry I’ve been quiet for a while, my promise to precise the ‘Secret History of the World’ has consumed me whole. In my world, the only part of the day I can guiltlessly dedicate to my favourite pastime of reading, is last thing at night. As I am sure it’s easy to imagine, by the time I can perform this pleasure I am a broken individual, with very few miles left in the tank. Whereas normally, that’s ok I read at the speed of light, this rich, deep philosophical observation is rendering me done in 2 pages…. Sending me spinning off into the cosmos and freaky dreams….Nice! I’m having to use a high lighter, to ensure I don’t miss anything salient; this is actually more pleasurable than I would have believed…. Defacing a book’s pages with markers! It’s also helping me to get some of the upsides to being a teacher, spending any more time than I need to with kids, is a definite no no for me! Anyway, please bear with, I will soon have further content worth sharing on this secret world. 

Elsewhere in my world, a quick precise of my Mother’s Day… The normal far from yay, and unfortunately becoming a tradition in that! Each year since I’ve qualified, I’ve nursed another unrealistic fantasy (I really need to get with the marriage I’m in and not the one I thought I was getting) that my husband would step up and help our kids to worship my ‘motherness’ in style. His argument for not pandering to that whim, I am not his mother?! How very fucking blanche et noir, and really most unkind, but totally ‘aspie’. And what I do normally get gifted, is some ridiculously childish, arsehole behaviour in reaction to me being the centre of attention; it happens on my birthday too. This year I did change it up tho, drawing my tolerance line in the carpark of Wakehurst Place by sending him packing off home. A state of affairs which suited all concerned, but a bit of a sad indictment of our family affairs! As I said up the page, I really need to get with the marriage I’m in…. And this means buying myself a huge fuck off Mother’s Day gift and charging it to the joint account…;-D

Now we find ourselves in week 1 of the Easter holidays, actually that’s incorrect, now I find myself alone and left to cope in week 1 of the Easter helliday. Clever clogs managed to absent himself, by procuring himself a new job on day 1 of this break…. Curious how he takes 2 months out and then hey presto, just when we get gifted 24hr exposure to our kids…. off he fucks. And if that isn’t enough, and I do have to laugh because without a sense of humour in this marriage we would be divorced, he’s bagged himself a job where on occasion he may be ‘forced’ to exotic foreign climes. Perfect for a man in the midst of his middle years…. I am being kind here, I mean drowning in the monotony of the middle years of child rearing. But I can promise, the laughter will immediately cease if any of these unforeseeable exotic escapes, materialises in time to skip making it home for the weekend to help with the sprogs. Then he, and the neighbours, can expect murderous blue screams for the duration.

And so, what does this actually mean in practise? Me having to spend the next, roughly 168-day light hours, consistently on my tippy-toes surveilling my canny offspring, like a meerkat…. Urrggg. Why is this level of scrutiny warranted?…. Here’s a couple of examples: Less than 24hrs in, at a party, we had Lollipop denying he had parents, claiming he’d driven his 5/6yr old self there and that he was staying the night with this female guest in her late 30s… She was a little taken aback by this forthright, flirty 5/6yr old, whereas I was totally shocked to discover I’d given birth to such a smooth-talking criminal; And, also concerned his future would be very ‘Mrs Robinson’. He’s supposed to be turning out gay, so I don’t have to share him with a wife?! 36 hrs in, he’d decided to change his name to Freddie, which he would then only answer too. When I pointed out I was struggling to remember, after 6 years of his given name, he gave me his best fish eye and told me I’d get there with practise!

Last night, day 4, I made the mistake of relaxing in the bath and thinking ok maybe it’s not that bad…. Moments later, I swear I am not lying, he decides to tell me his 8-yr. old sister has been shaving her legs with my razor?! WTF….. So, I then had to mission abort my lovely bath and carry out the Spanish Inquisition on her. Over the years, I’ve come to recognise that if I want any semblance of truth from my kids, I need to employ seriously sophisticated questioning techniques; it seems the truth is a moveable feast. After some category 5 denial, she came clean, telling me she feels too conscious to reveal her legs at school because they are too hairy???? I asked her if anyone else had mentioned these awful ‘hairy legs’, apparently not, she arrived at this premature conclusion all by herself…. And being the individual she is, took matters into her own hands and simply started using my razor, the very enormous downside to an independent child!

I then had to forcefully explain, her annoying, snitchy little brother, far from deserving a thump, really had done her an enormous favour…. Because, shaving would give her hairy legs like Daddy…. They have the same skin type and hair colour, so this is a believable concept… And when that happened, I wouldn’t be helping her remove them until she was at least 11; thus, making roughly 3 1/2 yrs. of monkey legs coming her way! She then tried to apologise to me profusely, but I explained it wasn’t me she should be apologising to but her legs, they’d suffered the butchering… Tho to be fair, she’d done a good job!

This morning, having been startled awake by a hideous dream where Lollipop drowned, I discovered that not only had he also eaten his sister’s special Easter cereal (he’s finished his on day 1), he’d eaten the rest of my special biscuits. So, I kind of wanted to drown him all over again! Let’s be clear, he’s been carrying out this selfish, bastard behaviour since he could get down the stairs and so everything ‘special’ lives at the top of the highest cupboard that even I need a step ladder to reach. Well, it turns out he can now too, what a shit way to find out your kids grown! He has been ceaselessly punished for this behaviour, with all forms of torture, but it doesn’t seem to resonate. I freely admit to feeling totally fucked over by the ongoing experience of a lesson not being learnt. This time I’ve banished sweets from his life for the remainder of this week, and we’ve all consciously eaten them in front of him, to ram home the ‘thou shalt not steal’ message….cue tearful breakdowns. However, he has the luck of the devil and we keep happening upon kind shop keepers giving away free sweets?! WFT!

So, in short, I have my hands totally full, as usual. We’re now on Day 5, we’ve had more illegal behaviour, free sweets, irritating fights and I’ve got 2 whole days and the rest of this one to get through before I can get some co-parenting support….. Will I make it? Will they? Keep an eye on the news, you never know…. And if you feel horrified that I don’t appreciate every goddam minute with my children, please feel free to call social services and get them removed…. Even my own parents were shaking their heads yesterday, exclaiming that I’d certainly got my hands full! 

Astrobiology – It’s a Supernatural World!

Finally, I am making the time to read all the special books I’ve been gifted over the years, my current read is The Secret History of the World by Jonathan Black. I can’t precise this in one blog, it is far too succulent for that, and if you’ve already indulged you may wanna pull out now. I shall endeavour to give you mini, flavoursome, chunks to cogitate upon…. We can learn or reaffirm together. This will be a massive challenge, making what I’m learning into something easy to fathom, so please bear with me. And you should know, the contents of this book are known, and have always been known, by the ‘secret’ societies that run the World….It’s been taught at Mystery Schools for thousands of years, judged too special for ordinary folk and thus purposely complex!

So, why am I doing this mass ‘read-a-thon’ now? Apparently, according to the cosmos, this is an important time for me, a spiritual coming of age if you like. It may be the same for you? There’s definitely seismic shifts a foot, karmic patterns coming to an end. On one level, mine perhaps triggered by my Father’s sudden death, but it’s also driven by the desire to finally give the backstory to my belief system….. What I know to be true fleshed out in words, and things coalesce when they’re meant too.

And this is what this magical book is giving me, I’ve inadvertently stumbled across a veritable treasure trove of mystical truths. To date, I’ve avoided theological debate, preferring to avoid having my spirituality defined and mocked, and I definitely didn’t need it validated….A highly irritating state of affairs for my sun in mercury ‘aspie’ husband, who has been dying to engage in debates on the subject for years….And he’s not alone, I had the same tortuous interrogations from my ‘scientific’ maternal Grandfather, whom will now know better since he’s joined the spirit world….

So, what pearls have I gleaned thus far…. One outstanding truth to note, all the varying secret spiritual societies share a common understanding of how the supernatural works in the World. How can that be, all these disparate groups coming to the same conclusions if it’s not fundamentally true? From the hermit on Mount Sinai in the 2nd Century, the medieval German mystic to the 20th century Indian swarmi! The reason behind all this current furtiveness, when Christianity became the Rome’s ruling religion in the 3rd Century, trafficking these ‘heretical’ secrets became a capital offence. So, like Witchcraft in the 12th Century, it was safer to go underground rather than risk death and knowledge got handed down by word of mouth. However, as is often the case, secret symbols of its continued existence sprung up everywhere. One common example, the holding of a rolled scroll, think how many statues you’ve seen doing that!

To strip this right back, and help us to understand where this fountain of wisdom sprung from, the author takes us back to the beginning of time…. Asking us to consider what there was before there was time, what exactly is time, to view the world from the perspective of Lewis Carol’s Alice in Wonderland. We judge time as a measure of the changing positions of the solar system, a year being the earths revolution around the sun, a day its revolutions on its own axis. Yet beyond that, we’ve forgotten the innate link between human existence and the solar system, which is over looked by modern science.

Interestingly, Rosicrucians maintain that the main organs of the body have corresponding planets;

The Heart – Sun, Lungs – Mercury, Kidneys – Venus, Liver – Jupiter, Gallbladder – Mars, Spleen – Saturn, Pituitary Gland – Moon…. There are more, but I am not there yet!

The alignment of these planets affects how these organs operate, which in turn affects how we’re feeling, thinking, etc during those phases. The ancients believed all our body parts were represented in nature, biology was in fact astrobiology; certainly certain fruit and veg closely resemble body parts! Chinese medicine continues to work with these intrinsic truths, very successfully too. And it’s curious to note, that it takes 25,920 years for the sun to complete a full orbit of the zodiac, which is not only the average human life span in days (72) but also average number of breaths we take daily?!

And something he points out, which I find ultra ‘amusant’ and really sums where we’re all at for me, the Egyptians knew Sirius was a 3 star system, which modern science only discovered in 1995! We like to look back with arrogance, regarding ourselves as having evolved, but this tiny example is proof that perhaps we’re now less evolved and not as wise as we like to think we are! It feels very powerfully to me, the theme through all my enlightening posts, that we took a very wrong turn when we stepped away from knowing the mind, body and spirit are interwoven into the very fabric of Mother Nature.

My cry in this blog, for the loss of this celestial connection, for which modern science is culpable. Scientists prefer the comfort of the explainable, as opposed to the enigma of mystery, promoting the matter over mind doctrine to account for the start of life. They’re stuck on trying to establish how life came into being, with no consideration for human consciousness, which is more ‘mind over matter‘; regarding the latter as an accident of matter, an unfortunate mistake. Yes, this seemingly insignificant cliche is actually spectacularly significant in representing the ancient’s philosophy for the meaning behind life. Science enforces a narrow, reductive view of our consciousness, undermining the shadowy power of prayer, premonitions, out of body experiences, sadly denying that life has any meaning. Instead encouraging a lack lustre ‘just get on with it’ approach, dulling our 6th senses and appreciation of how miraculous it is to be alive and not giving much account or responsibility to our thoughts.

To ancient man, thoughts were everything, physical objects were secondary and life was rich with symbolism. Their recording of history, an account of how human consciousness evolved. Now-a-days, words have the edge and we give greater credence to what we see and touch rather than sense and feel. Yes, Astrology, birth signs, astrological charts still exist, but few know how to read them let alone believe and act upon them. In the past, our predecessors could read the sky, putting complete faith in what was depicted there. To be an astrologer was a position of great importance, now it’s rather denigrated and seen as a bit ‘mental health’ to admit you’re a believer.

We also like to imagine we’re capable of original thoughts, but the ancients believed thoughts peopled instead. Yet, notice that famous people through out modern history, regularly claim their genius came to them in a dream, they were suddenly infused with it, they felt driven by the hand of another…everything they touched turned to gold, until suddenly as swiftly as it arrived, it departed….and everything fell to dust. This lets the rest of us mere mortals off the hook some what, we can know that we weren’t the chosen ones….It’s absolutely fine not to be painting master pieces or ruling the world….or is it? We see thoughts as emanating from us, how about looking at it the other way round…. collective consciousness?

I’m not advocating we take no responsibility for our thoughts, just consider that we’re more connected to on another than we’ve been led to believe. Positive thoughts carry a lot more energy than negative ones, thankfully, so putting your focus on those is a powerful way to do good. Byron Katie’s Loving What Is, advocates thought policing, this is worth doing, notice, promote, disregard, to the point your channeling your energy into helping the world….you should notice you get a seriously lovely wellbeing vibes when you do this; a bit like getting the reward points in a computer game. I could wax lyrical about this for paragraphs, there is so much to say, but neither of us has the time so please just watch ‘The Secret’.

P.s. If you’re up for believing in a mind before matter universe, if you can channel Alice, please note that communion with the spirit world should be left to the initiated because inexperienced access is actually dangerous….. Kids leave those ouija boards alone, unless you REALLY know what you’re doing!

Spring Equinox – The Spiritual Backdrop

Spring Equinox is almost upon us, and as always I like to give you the ‘gen’ on what this should and could be about, what’s celestially occurring in the Northern Hemisphere, and enough time to prepare anything you may like to do to mark the occasion…. Other than deprive yourself of chocolate for 40 days, why would anyone want to put themselves through that, then stuff your face silly! For my Southern Hemisphere readers, it is reversed, summer ends and autumn begins. Some may be know this day as the Vernal Equinox or March Equinox.

For Pagans and Wiccans alike, we call this season change from dark winter to brightening spring, Ostara….Which sounds curiously like Easter, wouldn’t you agree? And, is in fact the event the Christo’s re-packaged as the rebirth of Jesus C, now more commonly known as Easter.

And who was Ostara? A Northern European goddess of fertility, no less, who was worshipped in many areas populated by Germanic tribes…. Anthropologically significant, for those with an interest in the migration of earlier human beings. Her name is pronounced ‘OH-star-ah’, and this celebration can also be knows as, Alban Eiler, Rites of Spring, Eostra’s Day, Lady Day or Bacchanalia. And, it symbolises balance, renewal, action, beginnings, hope, new possibilities.

This is the first Equinox of the year, and with it we are marking the moment the Sun crosses the celestial equator, the imaginary line in the sky above the Earth’s equator. This is officially the first day of spring, and in Latin means “equal night,” referring to the roughly 12-hour day and 12-hour night that occurs only on the two equinox days of the year. As is often the case, this year ‘Easter’ will be celebrated on the 20th April, as opposed to the 20th March, when celestially it will actually happen…. At 21:58 to be precise, please take note!

Traditionally, this was a day of equilibrium, being neither harsh winter nor merciless summer, and was a time of childish wonder. Houses were decorated with flowers and painted eggs; painting eggs was a custom among Druids and ancient Eastern European cultures, and the rabbit/hare has always been a symbol of fertility. And being a fertility festival, everyone got their seeds blessed, prior to their planting. Traditional colours being, light green, lemon yellow and pale pink, in harmony with what was available in Nature.

Clearly, some elements of the Old Religion never fully disappeared, just check out the local supermarkets for walls of chocolate eggs and bunnies, bunches of daffodils (FYI, poisonous to cats) and potted hyacinths and primulas. Unsurprisingly, not many of us know what they represent, though some are ‘lenting’ (started on 6th March runs to 18th April )and will gorge on chocolate at Easter, and just feel financially pressured into buying a shed load of chocolate for our kids! 20 chocolate eggs/bunnies = I Love You at Easter in 2019….dontcha know!

On a spiritual plane, which is where I’d like to draw you, not only for a slimmer waist line, but to give your life some spiritual depth, this is a time to free yourself from anything hindering your progress….Aka holding you back; Noxious relationships, demoralising jobs, addictions, a life of crime etc. Thus, this involves creating spells for self-banishing or gaining things we have lost, like our self-esteem, joie de vivre or things we’d like to have, like positive feelings towards our fellow human beings, less road/commuter rage, inner peace.

In mythological terms, the burgeoning daylight and warmth from the sun’s advance, represents his moving from infancy towards maturity and thus the Goddess (aka Mother Nature) coming into her full power. Practical manifestations of these things being, the eruption of buds and blossoms, the return of our invaluable pollinators, the bees. Winter is regarded as truly at an end, spending time outside no longer requires a jumper, we can enjoy the gently kiss of the sun upon our skin. NB. We all know we can get snow in April, Prince committed it to song, but you get the gist! For those of us with sun ‘cancery’ prone skin, like my own ivory tones, enjoying the sun is now possible, before his embrace becomes too passionate and scalding!

So here is what you can do to mark the occasion, in varying levels, to be self-selected dependent on your experience and time available…. This is accessible magic, and after all, who will know what you chose — not that there is any judgement emanating from these parts!

For those seeking elementary spiritual access, a good spring clean of your house is in order. This physical activity, will by its very nature, give your mind the space to focus on mental clarity around how you wish to live and re-affirm your commitments to taking care of your soul. On a purely practical level, it will purify any negative energies and facilitate the getting rid of any unnecessary crap you’ve inadvertently accumulated. It’s in our very nature to perform these spring cleans anyhow, just look at the free ads and number of jumble sales starting up….There is no coincidence.

If you can’t face that, then now is the time to tidy the garden/plant your window boxes, turn over the vegetable plot and plant your seeds. As you do this, bless them in your mind and recognise and appreciate their impending, challenging, growth journey performed for you….Their gift.

And if that all proves too physical, why not hand paint an egg, channelling all your intentions whilst you paint….

For those equipped with an altar and or cauldron, honour the energies of this time by decorating the latter with fresh flowers and/or a young small potted plant, or two. Use the flower petals to mark your sacred circle, and fill your cauldron with fresh spring water (obtained from your water butt or local river/stream) to float petals upon. Additionally, you can adorn the altar with images/paintings of hares, or your own hand decorated eggs; it is sooooo therapeutic painting your own eggs. Candles should be in the afore mentioned pastel shades and morsels to eat could include eggs you’ve blown from their shells – cooked of course, sprouts, seasonal young greens or delicious chocolate. Focus spells on balance and renewal, remembering to use only positive words, the Universe can’t discern the difference in the Law of Attraction.

And so, I wish you a felicitous Ostara! x

My Freak & Screech on Bleach!

Papa don’t bleach, even tho the dirt is deep, Papa don’t bleach, I’ve been losing skin…. And I’m running out of time, it’s killing me baby. It goes too deep baby! (cribbed poorly from Madonna’s Papa Don’t Preach)

Yeah ok it sort of works, in a loose sense, however, after you’ve read this little freak out on bleach I’m sure you’ll be more in tune…

Got to write this one about the hideous poison that is Bleach, indiscriminate destroyer of ALL life forms… Which I am always amazed to discover is still so widely welcomed into our homes, offices & lives in general. The noxious smell alone should be enough to warn you of its lethal capacity, yet I know some of you have normalised this foul odour, even drawing comfort from its destructive prowess…. NOTHING can survive after a good dose of Bleach! 

So, what exactly is Bleach? In fact, it’s just the generic name given to any chemical product that not only leaches the colour from whatever it has the misfortune to come in contact with, but also weakens the very fibres of it. People use it to strip their hair down to a ‘perceived’ more attractive colour, some even like to lighten their anuses with it?! I have to question the sanity of those that take the time to perform this painful, somewhat pointless procedure. Firstly, who has the time to whiten their anus? Surely, there are more important, meaningful ways to spend your precious life?  Secondly, how has that even become a thing? If your partner doesn’t appreciate the colour of your bum hole, are they really worth it? And finally, how much body dysmorphia does one need to possess to resort to taking it out on their arsehole? Clearly, I don’t bleach mine and TBH it’s not an area I favour hanging around, given its purpose and smell….(I seriously hope your smiling and not vomming at this point in…)

Anyway, I digress, back to the main focus of my bitch, the generic household variety bleach, a nasty combo of chlorine, caustic soda, and water. The chlorine and caustic soda are produced by putting direct current electricity through a sodium chloride salt solution, in a process called electrolysis…. All very Frankenstein! And, just in case you didn’t know, chlorine in its truest form, is a toxic corrosive gas. Which means, if you aren’t handling your chemical weapon with due care and accidentally mix it with acid (regular toilet cleaners usually contain acid) or ammonia…Congratulations, you’ve just created a deadly poisonous gas, which can kill you or anyone else in the vicinity! What gives this killer away is at first a sore throat…followed swiftly by unconsciousness….rounding up with death…NICE… 

The biggest issue with this powerful germicide is its indiscriminate nature, it simply exterminates everything.  And we need good bacteria in our lives and upon our persons; our children are getting ill from all this extreme sanitisation! Our homes need to be living organisms, like our bodies… And no, I am not giving you an excuse to be a dirty bastard, you still need a clean house, just one clear of harmful viruses and life-threatening bacteria……..just like our guts.

And so, I ask you would you pour bleach into your fish tank or pond? I think not, but you’re happy to pour it down the drains….?! And what about the poor life forms who exist in these dank places? Bleach actually attacks the proteins in a fish, causing it’s cells to die….With plants, who need a higher dose for death, it starves them slowly by stopping them getting the nutrients they need from the soil…. A drawn out painful ending! I know we think plants can’t feel anything, but evidence is starting to appear that they do… Then, where do you think these drains lead to? Our water ways; rivers, lakes, reservoirs and seas! Just important natural environments, we rely upon for our very existence! environment.  Yes, you can argue that it only takes large quantities to wreak the afore mentioned damage, however, if everyone is using a little, it quickly accumulates.

If you’ve managed to disregard the point above, you can’t ignore critical facts, such as our skin being porous; It takes only 20 seconds for anything on its surface to enter our blood streams! And even if you’re totally ‘gloved-up’, it’s still getting in via your olfactory system, aka our noses and sinuses; Anything we breathe in enters our Hypothalamus (visceral control centre).  This crucial organ controls our physiological function, by communicating with our Pituitary gland…. The latter being responsible for managing our hunger, blood pressure, thyroid function, memory, sleep cycle and sex hormones…… So, if your using bleach to clean anything, you come in direct contact with it one way or another and are actually absorbing it in the truest sense.  Another way to fuck yourself up from the inside out, because life isn’t difficult enough!

So, I’m asking you to stop channelling your inner ‘Chemical Ali’, give your drains, brains and anuses a break from all this hazardous danger. Face your fears, what’s the worst thing that’s going to crawl out of your toilet bowl? I can promise you won’t suddenly find yourself starring in a ‘germy’ version of Aliens. 

Please consider more natural ways to get your house ‘clean’, hair ‘sun-kissed’ and life meaning…. Forget about bleaching your anus, it’s a step too far, you don’t need that in your life unless it’s in your job description! 

Instead can I draw your attention to the power of Essential Oils, derived from nature, sustainable, toxin-free, bio-degradable and actually good for you! Fantastic household cleaning replacements include, Clove, Eucalyptus, Lemon, Lavender, Melaleuca, Rosemary, Thyme and Wild Orange. These beauties are ‘anti’ every type of nasty germ you can think of, whilst simultaneously preserving the integrity of the good ones. All have uplifting aromas, to improve your overall cleaning experience, their touch more beneficial to your body and the rest of nature. And they are so versatile, you can clean your bog with them, flavour your food with them or improve your general health and wellbeing. By using Essential Oils to clean, you stand a chance of actually enjoying cleaning… Yeah I am serious, it is possible!

For your hair, I recommend Lemon, Chamomile or Cinnamon oil…..They have a very pleasing scent and will again offer you a toxin-free touch that promises to enhance not damage your personal health and wellness….And again, they can offer so much more than that.

Yes, I know I sell all these oils and give training, and you may think I’ve written this as a shameless plug to get more business…. But I really haven’t, please remove Bleach from your Life, that’s all I ask! x

CBD Oil – Get Lubed not High!

I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a while, but I really wanted to make sure I could back up what I was writing before I committed my fingers to the keys. Having gone too Scotland minus my CBD oil & thus experiencing a low-grade lock-up by the time I returned a week later, (something I’m very prone to with my Joint Hyper-mobility Syndrome & menopause combo) …the time is nigh.

I got into trying this because a friend of mine sells it & I’d enjoyed many years of cannabis smoking in my youth, so felt drawn to the familiarity of it. I’d tried another similar product in recent years, created in Glastonbury no less, but that was way too potent & parenting ‘stoned’ was far too scary…. Plus, it gave me the munchies & I’m trying to lose weight not put it on!

Here’s a definition for this little beauty:

Cannabidiol is a popular natural remedy used for many common ailments. Better known as CBD, it is one of the 104 chemical compounds known as cannabinoids found in the cannabis or marijuana plant, Cannabis sativa.

So, you can’t get high from using it, though some report feeling slightly more chilled post application, & some find it helps with insomnia. I have to say it doesn’t work that way for me, for me it keeps my joints oiled so I don’t rust up like the Tin man….. For my friend who sells it, she suffers from chronic arthritis in her knees, it keeps her mobile & pain free. Imagine that, side-effect free…. What have you got to lose from trying it?

You can buy it from her at 

I recommend you start off at the lowest possible dose, which is all I need once a day. She uses a high dose several times a day, but that’s instead of pharmaceutical medication & to treat chronic arthritis. I reckon this is an excellent, natural remedy hack, suited to those stiffening the wrong way with old age! Please do let me know if you decide to try it & how you find it, or if you are already onto this one.x

Our Journey’s Purpose

In the aftermath of my Father’s life ending, a friend lent me a book she felt would help me through my grief. This was Journey of Souls by Michael Newton, a collection of case studies from past lives regressions. And help it really did, by reminding me that we’re all on our own paths, and will be reunited with loved ones once we’re finished. I circulated a lovely mem on my Celtic Witch Facebook page the other day, the message was an earthly goodbye is an afterlife welcoming back. So it’s really ‘au revoir’ and not goodbye, we only loose each other for a bit and certainly not forever!

The author initially stumbled upon these past lives as a by-product of his hypnotherapy trying to help clients through trauma in this life, and became fascinated with the connection betwixt the two. In a nut shell, and for those who can’t be arsed to read the whole thing, we all come from the ‘source’, which is conscious energy. We’re at varying levels of awareness around this, basic only kicks in after 5 lives, and our earthly purpose is about learning a lesson we agreed to learn before we were born, in order to progress our overall knowledge and understanding….to evolve…

Aura’s, comes in only a few colours, ranging from new soul white or grey, then white mixed with a little of any of the primary colours to intermediate yellow, which darkens and coverts to light blue, which darkens and turns into purple. By the time, which can take thousands of life times and years, we’ve achieved a blue level we stop incarnating and become the ones to help metaphysically create nature and form the higher consciousness. Auras are the force fields of energy, certain beings can see emanating from us, the frequency we vibrate at…The form of light we radiate being proportional to the power of our knowledge and perception…We’re just like stars!

Interestingly, the youngest souls are the ones which have accumulated the most material wealth and power…..This is how we judge success in Today’s World isn’t it??? It’s impossible to get super rich or powerful without fucking over a lot of people on the way up…. And really rich people then find themselves stuck in a vicious circle of trying to protect and maintain their wealth to the cost of everything and everybody else…working 24/7, being ridiculously tight fisted, ripping others off and believing their above everyone else etc….

The humblest of people tend to be the most spiritually advanced, feeling compassion towards other people and the planet, driven to more meaningful ways of contributing to the whole…not caught up in self-serving. Recognising the connection between us all, we are one, part of the same thing. I call these people, witches, committed to helping in whichever way we can. Motivated by the happiness gained from making a positive difference beyond all else.

So next time your made to feel envy by the constant barrage of media messages telling you you need all this plastic crap to feel worthy, remind yourself that you really don’t need to succumb to these subliminal messages sent by some fear-filled rich person trying to maintain their wealth. Having a new set of mugs will not bring you anywhere near the same level of joy helping another being will, or taking a moment to immerse yourself in the natural World in all its glory and wonder. And if that promotion at work comes at the price of someone else’s head, don’t do it, a clear conscious is worth more than all the gold in the World.

In Japan they have Forest Bathing, Shinrin Yoku, complete with scientific proof for the numerous healing benefits to be had from spending time with trees.

Another lovely message I got from this book was that apart from choosing our lessons, parents, siblings and friends, we pre-agree our departure and the style of it. The point of it to further deepen the learning of those left behind. Thus, meaning that no matter how horrendous or premature someone’s death is, they knew about it and were complicit in it. That’s quite something isn’t it… a revolution in thinking. And apparently, if you miscarry…. I’ve had 3 failed pregnancies, it’s often the same soul that comes through. It’s all about deepening our understanding and learning.

The good news is that Earth is the harshest place for life, the spirit world is far more delightful and caring. We’re attracted to the challenge of a life on earth because of the physical beauty of it, it maybe harsh and sometimes brutal but it is also amazing. When each of our lives on this planet ends, we return to the spirit world to be healed, processing our learning and mistakes, in order to be restored to life again with the purpose to evolve. 

I can’t recommend this book enough.x

Coke, Therapy & Scotland

Long-time no scribe, apologies if you’ve missed my rants. 2019, after being immobilised by grief for December/January, has seen me trying to sort my shit out…on every level!

I figured in order to grow my fledgling business, I finally needed to figure out ‘how to’ Instagram. Which sounds more like a cocaine delivery service to me, anyone else? To manifest this new level of intelligence, I went on an Insta course. Fortuitously, there were only a couple of younger more able bodies so I didn’t feel totally overwhelmed, tho we got painfully hung up on #’s (hashtags) for an age! Personally, it’s not my bag to offer a visual window into my life, I prefer to bare my all with words, retaining a modicum of anonymity. However, as I’m sure you already know, Insta don’t work like that, so I’ve had to condense my verbosity into hashtag soundbites…..Which probably make sweet FA sense, I’m certainly picking up some unusual followers, but hey I am trying!

Tho I do have to admit to feeling rather put out by all the time & effort it takes to pull all this ‘apparently’ necessary social media off! I’m seriously time poor, my pre-Insta Life was already jammed…And this has sprouted a new irritation, nostalgia for the good old days of only print media …. pre-social media…Yet another annoying sign that I’m #gettingold! #arse #pastit

Coupled with this, and as promised, I slung my bereaved self into therapy, ha! I didn’t reckon upon, despite 30 years of previous, a weekly unearthing of many traumatized skeletons I’d happily buried. I will acknowledge, this rather costly self-awareness does mean I’m powering through, but Jesus Christ it’s painful and does require me to spend yet more precious time silently retreating and absorbing.

Since Dad died, all I’ve wanted to do was escape to Scotland, our Mother Country, to mourn in peace. Well, I managed to finally pull that off & we were ensconced in an antiquated, damp, smelly but beautiful old cottage with the most amazing views, in the arse end of nowhere….so remote there was no phone signal…really absolutely nothing! The uninsulated upstairs, was doll sized, accessed only by a slippery spiral staircase of doom…. Journey time, requiring serious consideration, was around 3 minutes in either direction…making me feel ancient! There were storage heaters throughout…. imagine the temperature of coastal Scotland in February!

For any real heat we were reliant on a coal fire…. the regular building of this made my ‘fire-starter’ spouse mucho happy…but there was only 1, in the living room. So, he spent all his time in there when we’re were able to be in….at night…not helping me to heat up our equally doll sized double bed. This 90’s pine creation, smelt of wet dog…. I cannot express in words alone, how much I absolutely hate the smell of wet dog…..I oiled that bed to the point it almost didn’t creak anymore, in a bid to mitigate the noxious odour…

Of course, being prone to family holiday fantasies, as per norm I hadn’t factored in a few fundamental realities…. The peace I’d craved couldn’t be mine, I’d forgotten how annoying my kids can get in close proximity unless regularly exercised, which given the driving rain has been a challenge to deliver upon…. but we have largely managed/had to. This holiday’s best being, a mad long, heavily intoxicating walk beside the A814 motorway through Glasgow on our way to the Transport Museum, mistakenly believing it would be a short leisurely stroll down by the riverside…The kids slept well after that one…And sadly, prolonged external exposure has been limited by cheap clothing….. heavy rain penetrates after an hour! Further complicated by having no drying facility in our magnificent holiday abode…..apart from in front of the fire….so the living room resembled a Chinese laundry! All in all, = Nowhere to sit, cogitate & or write…..

Another excursion worthy of note, walking the tidal, rocky, stony spit to Davaar Island in gale force winds & rain. It was a memory hack for a journey I did with my Father around 20 years ago. He dragged me there to see a cave painting of Jesus an ancestor apparently ‘touched up’…as in paint, we hope! We got 3/4s of the way to the cave before the wet, slippery rocks became a death knell & hyper-mobile Laurie & I had to turn back. The tidal access, initially attractive for its element of risk, even had my husband a little spooked in the inclement conditions…. It caused sheer torture for poor Laurie…who spent the entire 2 hours in panic mode, constantly checking with me that the sea wasn’t coming back in to trap us!

On the way back Lani insisted on being allowed to try to climb ‘the mountain’ as we hadn’t made it to the cave! Out of guilt, I felt we had to let her do this?! But of course, I could afford to be generous, my buggered knee excludes me from indulging these crazy whims…but not my husband…. Lol, why is it so enjoyable watching your partner being tortured in this manner??? Though I immediately regretted pandering to my parental guilt when I lost sight of both within 5 minutes, for far too long. Thank fuck we’d just kitted her out with a new pair of sparkly silver wellies, and I force him to wear a bright orange anorak (which is uber cool but he thinks he looks like he’s a Sainsbury’s employee, so is less keen), I kid you not, those 2 bright items where the only things I could spot on that mountain in the driving rain & darkened sky.

Our holiday is now at an end, we have over 600 miles to drive to get home but on the plus side we didn’t visit A&E for once!!!!…Or have I spoken too soon????? I’m not sure what a perfect holiday looks like to me anymore, I’m certainly tangled in who needs to be there apart from me…. Similarly, self-catering hell or not…? I hate cooking at the best of times, I am entirely self-taught with no desire for the detail required for successful recipes. However, we’re cursed to be a gluten free family, out of medical necessity not fashion! This makes food sourcing & production a ball-ache from Hades, which cannot be remedied by hotel living, unless it’s a very expensive do…. thus, not in my price bracket!

We certainly all LOVE Scotland, all the fresh air, spaces to run in, mountains & castles to climb and beaches to comb…. It can’t be beaten for beautiful, dramatic scenery, even the rural sheep are as white as snow! The only shame is the food, which though plentiful still tends towards beige & unhealthy…. but is it improving slowly. #maccheeseandchipsanyone

Bike-gate – Another Family Fantasy Fail?

This one will be less about the Celtic witch and all about the mama! My response to my small son’s patent screen addiction, another idiot, unrealistic, family expectation! I decided the answer lay in getting us ALL to participate in an outdoor family friendly activity. For this ridiculous notion, I chose bicycles, naively believing this was the simplest of solutions?!

Okay, so Laurie can’t really ride his bike, and because he can’t ride it to perfection he isn’t even interested in trying…And my husband didn’t even have a bike, so we certainly didn’t have a roof rack! But I wasn’t going to let a few fundamentals like that get in the way of my romantic ideal!? Details schemeetails…..

I tried to materialise my family fantasy last weekend….ordering my husband to get himself kitted out on the Friday. Neglecting to remember, him being of the asparagus variety, would be incapable of a simple quick fix but more of an in-depth research project! Needless to say, a bike did not appear until this weekend but give him his due, it was as cheap as chips….

He, whilst high on his cheap prize, went wide in the aisles of Halfords and splashed out not only on a cheap bike-rack but also what’s known on the streets as a ‘tail gator’. A genius solution for those wishing to partake on a family bike ride, in-spite of their lazy little tyke. This costly contraption connects the kid bike to the adult bike, so basically all the kid has to do is hold on tight…sweet FA on the effort front and perfect for my son!

My husband set about putting it all together on Saturday afternoon, falsely believing and sharing that he would easily finish it all on Sunday morning! After all, how difficult could it be putting together a roof rack and this tail thing….people do this shit all the time don’t they??? A further 2.5 hours later, the sun well and truly over the yardarm, I stuffed 2 hungry kids in the car and disappeared, in a cloud of exasperation, to the nearest pub.

I have to confess, we were all incredibly surprised to see him rock up with the bikes over an hour later….we’d given up! Unfortunately, the peddle on one, had broken the rear wiper off! #Happiness. And decided despite the on/off rain showers, to proceed with my crazy plan…After all that bloody effort, we were seeing this through!

Within 30 seconds everyone, except me, my bike has mudguards, was covered in heavy duty mud splatters. No matter, clothes can be washed right….We miraculously did managed quite a few miles before the sky turned threatening and I demanded we return. Not being a regular biker, I didn’t fancy being stuck miles from the safety of the car with 2 small drenched children. This was met with moans and groans from all and sundry, joy breaker that I was. However, I was right as always! The journey back was predictably incident rich, my daughter’s chain came off, son discovered that by secretly applying his breaks he could slow his Dad down…. cue a load of expletives from my husband when he found out…child-friendly of course!

Again, of course it took an inordinate length of time to get those wretched mud splattered bikes back onto the rack, in the rain….And in doing so, anything that wasn’t already covered in mud became coated! I thought I was being clever by covering their car seats in black plastic bags, nah it didn’t….the mud found a way….

When we got home in the nearly dark, we faced a bloody mountain of unavoidable tasks! Stripping everyone before they made it past the backdoor and covered the house, washing coats in time for school, getting the bikes off the rack and washed down in the cold, cleaning out both cars, whilst small voices screamed for more food…arrgggggggg, no sitting back with a bottle for us!!! Absolutely fucking exhausting…..

So was it worth it???? All that time, expense, effort for maybe an hour of riding……The kids loved it, my husband’s determined to get his money’s worth but I’ve got a very sore arse….Maybe in Spring when its dry!

This is not us, I’m not that thin!

My Parenting Struggles – I’m sure climbing an ice mountain in high heels would be easier!

This blog is going to be about the struggles I face trying to raise my kids, and as you can expect, will be excruciatingly honest! Yes I could get into trouble for this, but actually its got so bad I welcome any professional support, and intrinsically I know for some of you my story will resonate and help. And although I could try to place the blame at Society’s feet, the reality is just that some of us really struggle with raising our kids and its been that way for a lot of people for a very long time, if not forever. It’s probably karmic, a choice made before a lifetime starts, for the purposes of spiritual growth. I believe that, but these beliefs aren’t keeping my soul warm or making this parenting journey any easier. I spend a lot of my energetic time, (this means not noticeable from the outside but occurring within) on my knees, floored, pulling my hair out from the lethal combination of frustration, horror and deep anguish.

Before I had kids I put Myself through years of therapy, attempting to mitigate the troubles and strife I’d experienced growing up. This gave me clear insight into the destructive circles that existed within my immediate and wider family, and the ways they had almost destroyed me. And I was determined to stop that happening to my kids and I remain determined to do everything in my power to break those vicious circles. Whatever that may come to mean, whatever I need to do, because they are my kids and I love them beyond myself. This also means sometimes I can hate them too, for all the suffering raising them brings me; such a fine line betwixt the two..hashtag keeping it real folks!

The key phrase in the above paragraph is ‘my power’, because what has, keeps and does happen, is that my kids inadvertently press my triggers and despite all this understanding, I loose my power, sanity and ability to cope the way I want. This sends me spinning back to what’s inherent, my anima, my default, and from there into a personal hell, fashioned from agonised guilt. This are the shittiest of circles ever made, because I’m making them with knowledge and powerlessness against my own scars?! WTF!!!! There’s nothing quite like your own kid to send you to the depths of personal hatred and self-destruction…hence why so many of us resort to wine, gin, chocolate or drugs…prescription & non, to numb these excruciating reminders of our own short comings.

I’ve been triggered to put this out there by another shitty morning with my 5 year old son! We’ve pretty much endured shitty mornings daily for the last 3 years, ever since he could get himself downstairs, which he does anytime between 5 and 6.30am. Please take into consideration at this point, I have this Joint Hypermobility Syndrome which makes me extraordinarily tired and need lots of sleep, I already go to bed v early to catch up but can’t manage to bounce out of bed with him at this time! He then proceeds, despite years of lengthy explanations, to help himself to whatever he fancies eating – even if it requires stacking furniture precariously to reach it and wasn’t his to begin with! Nothing is safe, he has no concern for the trouble he will get in, whom he will upset….it’s worth the risk to life and limb, the crime is worth the time…it appears!

Coupled with this, and even more troubling as far as I am concerned, he has an addiction to anything electronic…the TV, kindles, laptops, Wii, iPad. Again, please note that I have not given him any of the above, we have my husband to thank for all of these moronic devices. In my son’s ideal World, he would play on any device indefinitely, too much is never enough for him, there is no ‘off’. So he steals them, from wherever I’ve hidden them, and plays on them for as long as he can get away with…at least an hour…before he gets asked to stop. This ALWAYS leads to a terrible meltdown and a refusal to do anything he’s told…like get dressed for school, eat breakfast and so on.

This twisted version of Crystal Maze, where on a nightly basis I hide the remotes/devices (which given how fucked up it feels should be called Crystal Meths), has been going on for for over 3 years. During these dawn raids, we’ve experienced all kinds of stealth missions, including commando crawling across my bedroom floor at 5am in order to attempt retrieval. This particular jaunt involved 3 separate attempts, despite all the warnings and shouting upon discovery, he just waited until I was asleep again each time and then continued, unfortunately for him he bagged his sisters in the darkness and couldn’t get passed the password.?! By which time, my husband got up and put an end to it all…which he doesn’t want to do on a weekend, after a week’s hard graft, but hey, that’s our shared jail sentence now!

So determined is he, that last Saturday out of pure frustration of not being to find latest hiding place, he started on our laptops like a demented version of Goldilocks….He couldn’t get into mine because of my password, he wiped a major document from my husbands before he left his alone and then he broke the keyboard on his sisters….He’s had to use his Christmas money to replace the latter, because this is simply not cricket, and the last in a long line of similar destruction metered out on her seemingly more desirable toys??? Why, we asked him? Apparently, it’s hard to get to the bottom of it, because he doesn’t have a lap top of his own! He’s only 5 FFS!!!! He also thought, if he broke hers she would get a new one and he could have hers?!!!! Commendably logical, but a deformed view of the World I don’t remember teaching?!

The above is pretty much the worst of what he can achieve daily, although this morning he resorted to biting his sister hard because she wouldn’t play with him when they were supposed to be doing chores! And his response to being put outside, because he once again became immobile post telling off and refused to do anything, was to bash in the backdoor with his scooter….The latter, again almost impressive, thinking to unlock the garage and get his scooter out to really make an impact , knowing that would send both his parents over the edge. Which is where I am right now, wondering what the fuck we did so wrong that has got us all to here?…..And has meant I’ve contacted his school, reached out to an excellent child psychologist, sourced out herbal remedies and of course used my oils on him to calm and support him. FYI, I also sat him down, asked him how he was feeling, told him I loved him and reinforced everything good about him before I dispatched him to school….I’m not unwise in my parenting, just terribly human!

And what exactly do I want from my parenting Holy Grail, only to raise two well- adjusted human beings, who love and respect themselves. What do I appear to be raising, ‘Saffy’ from Ab-fab and Denice the Menace! Actually, if my daughter does turn out like ‘Saffy’, I will consider it a job well done.

Feel free to judge me as harshly as you like, it can’t be any harsher than I am doing to myself. Know, if you struggle like me, that you are not alone in this personalised version of karmic hell; And this above is mine! Emotions have 2 sides, too love so deeply and completely has an inverse side, it’s normal and healthy to host dark thoughts in the midst of parenting terror…..Just call for help if you feel the desire to manifest them. And finally, asking for help is a sign of courage not failure. There is not enough of us asking, yet trying to muddle through at the expense of our own personal happiness and wellbeing. Thus further compromising our ability to deliver upon our parenting aspirations, sadly….I think parenting classes/support should be readily available and not as expensive and thus exclusive as they are!!!! Another WTF…this needs to change.